For Context (Bye for now)
Over the past few months I have not had the best of times. I was victim of workplace disability discrimination, found out I will probably never have children, am trying to find a place to live amid an unrivalled cost of living crisis, am waiting on results on a biopsy, and am finally due for diagnostic assessment for ND after years of waiting -- All this while dealing with my chronic blood cancer and other long term physical and mental health issues (business as usual, as it were). With ongoing meetings with my union, politicians, and being in and out of hospital more than I ever have been before in my life, it's safe to say I don't have much patience when it comes to fandom spaces.
I have written fic while I have been en route to hospital, sitting in A&E on my phone and uploading works from a crappy PC terminal in the corner of the archive centre. In spite of this, I do everything that I can to maintain what has become my only hobby since my health has deteriorated so much. Therefore I do detest any assumption that I am taking any of these obligations on in bad faith, and have already begun to go out of my way to avoid those who believe this to be the case.
I have also had mods tell me before I shouldn't be modding my own exchanges because I'm unwell, (which I did not appreciate, given these very same mods are the ones who push their own deadlines when "life happens"...It's a sorry state of affairs when the toxic government in my country will give me support to keep me in full-time work, but *faceless* exchange mods online who know nothing about me or my circumstances will make sweeping assumptions based on the fact I once said I was a *bit tired* due to my cancer or had an image glitch after posting from a public machine). People have speculated over my supposedly anti-esque views, banned me from exchanges despite never having had an issue with me in exchanges, said that I'm a bad mod... if I do a "a demonstrably poor job" then I don't know why I've never had wanky feedback from actual participants -- only long-time mods who like to gatekeep who can and can't be part of this community.
Not all mods are equally culpable; I have a lot of respect for Shadow in particular for the impartiality of running EAD when a lot of these mods are definitely overstepping, and of course any of those who don't resort to running to FFA to bitch about me and actually speak to me instead of speaking to others behind my back. However, the lack of visibility around who runs things in the background and the pile-on culture on EAD by some of its most active mods has made me very wary and untrusting of the community. I do not feel I have been given any grace or accommodation from people in exchange fandom despite doing a lot for the community in a time that's been very difficult for me, and not expecting anything in return beyond basic respect which, frankly, has sometimes been too much of an ask.
Z
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I have written fic while I have been en route to hospital, sitting in A&E on my phone and uploading works from a crappy PC terminal in the corner of the archive centre. In spite of this, I do everything that I can to maintain what has become my only hobby since my health has deteriorated so much. Therefore I do detest any assumption that I am taking any of these obligations on in bad faith, and have already begun to go out of my way to avoid those who believe this to be the case.
I have also had mods tell me before I shouldn't be modding my own exchanges because I'm unwell, (which I did not appreciate, given these very same mods are the ones who push their own deadlines when "life happens"...It's a sorry state of affairs when the toxic government in my country will give me support to keep me in full-time work, but *faceless* exchange mods online who know nothing about me or my circumstances will make sweeping assumptions based on the fact I once said I was a *bit tired* due to my cancer or had an image glitch after posting from a public machine). People have speculated over my supposedly anti-esque views, banned me from exchanges despite never having had an issue with me in exchanges, said that I'm a bad mod... if I do a "a demonstrably poor job" then I don't know why I've never had wanky feedback from actual participants -- only long-time mods who like to gatekeep who can and can't be part of this community.
Not all mods are equally culpable; I have a lot of respect for Shadow in particular for the impartiality of running EAD when a lot of these mods are definitely overstepping, and of course any of those who don't resort to running to FFA to bitch about me and actually speak to me instead of speaking to others behind my back. However, the lack of visibility around who runs things in the background and the pile-on culture on EAD by some of its most active mods has made me very wary and untrusting of the community. I do not feel I have been given any grace or accommodation from people in exchange fandom despite doing a lot for the community in a time that's been very difficult for me, and not expecting anything in return beyond basic respect which, frankly, has sometimes been too much of an ask.
But now it's got a bit too much. If there *is* a concerted effort to banish me from exchange circles, I have too much actually going on in my life that *is* worth worrying about to be getting anxious and upset everytime I read my emails and, frankly, I would rather not be part of any community that takes the word of a small handful of insular individuals over the efforts of someone who has written over a hunded assignments in a year for these events without expecting a gift in return.
As a result, I am not planning on signing up for any new fic exchanges for a while. I am going to be retiring this account, "milficwriter (Thebiwife)" ao3 username and the mom-id-like-to-fic exchange after the current round. I currently have a few outstanding assignments and claims that I'm planning to complete and thereon will shift my focus back onto finishing my existing WIPs and trying to rebuild a positive space online around fic and fandom for myself. If you're happy about this news, I would recommend you do some reflection on why you are such a bitter person, or maybe instead go make a cup of chamomile tea and read a book or something, idk.Thanks those of you who I can rely on for your support, you know who you are. 🦆🖖🐱💻 ❄️🌿👩🦰
Lots of love,Z
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